I feel so confused and it’s a fucking bitch.
There’s so many decisions to make and once upon a time I would’ve had it so figured out and know exactly who would tell me if i was fucking it up.
This is and forever will be my life .
you know when you just really want someone who knows you, but they all left and that’s why you don’t let anyone really know you anymore and just gburedkl;gjuhf fuuuuck.
I think I still get upset because I know that I can never open myself up to anybody in the same way again, I miss it because I know i’ll never have anything that will come close. I’ll never have that same security.
I literally try so hard and generally everything is okay, i just miss being so close with someone, because now the people that are still around I keep at arms length.
It doesn’t matter what I do or say or who I see and talk to, I can never shake the physical sickness I get when it feels like someone is getting too close. My walls come up stronger and thicker. It just feels like the people who I loved the most, showed me that i’m a person who when you know too well. isn’t somebody people like to be around. The people that I've shown my weaknesses to, shared my darkest thoughts, let myself cry in front of, the people I’ve shared my hopes and fears, my ideal future, what i’d love from life, the people I've given my love to, the people I've let love me, the people I've made promises to, received promises from, the people who knew me the most have unknowingly, and I hope unintentionally, destroyed what little faith, confidence and love I had left.
It just hurts because I don’t think anyone has ever understood that it’s not the people I hate and it not what people have done that I hate, it’s the consequences and the knowing that this is my future now.
I’ve read personal things that used to upset me, i’ve listened to songs on repeat that used to upset me, i’ve watched film scenes that used to upset me. Oh the things I would do to just fucking cry, I want some form of emotional outlet and i cant i cant i cant and it just frustrates me even more.
I know it sounds stupid, but i literally just want to sit and cry
i haven’t cried in 4/5 months, this scares me somewhat….
too much compressed emotion.
maybe I have a weird way of looking at things, but I’ve always thought that situations/events/actions are so so so easy to forgive, and yeah there may be upset or anger for a while but i don’t hold grudges, i don’t dwell and i don’t stay angry and upset forever. It makes things harder when other people constantly bring it up, but even then I find myself laughing or not bothered by what they have to say. The bit that hurts is the memory of the people I’ve lost.
I separate people from a situation. I think the healing or whatever comes from what happens after a situation.
I’ll still feel twangs of nostalgia because I genuinely miss people and what I used to have with them.It’ll upset me that because of various things that connection is lost forever.
situations don’t upset me, people upset me. actions are easy to forgive, it’s the people, they are harder to forget.
I have people who make me happy, so so so happy, but I can’t help but think that in the past i’ve had people, or a person, who made me even happier than i am now.
how do you stop comparing all your happy moments to a time when you were happiest?
I have friends who could potentially be the best friends i’ve had in a long time, but I won’t let them.
I’ve realised I don’t let people in, past a certain point, I won’t let myself. The past taught me well that friends with knowledge of you use it against you. knowledge is power. to protect yourself from hurting, is to not get attached to people, they won’t stay around for long anyway.
most of the time i like that most of my friends don’t understand or have no clue of my past experiences, it meant i could recreate myself, be a new fresh person with them, not bound down by the shit that used to be. I could feel like my old self, but then i know deep down i’ll never be that same person again. people and events change you. Every now and then I wish I could let them in, because on days like today when i feel so crap and everything seems so stressful i would love to have a friend i can just be mopey around without feeling like a burden. I’ve battled so hard to re-teach myself the differences between being sad and that it’s okay to be sad and want someones attention from the experiences of being made to feel like a needy burden.
it saddens me that the people who know the most about my family or the way my mind works, or my deepest thoughts are all the people who no longer want to be around me, the only conclusion i could ever make was that was my fault, i was a person who was too hard to love, too hard to be around so i stopped letting people in. if they didn’t see my darkside, then i wouldn’t give them a reason to leave.
Most days i’m okay, i love where i am in life, i love the people around me, i’m generally happy. Sometimes i just miss having someone who knows me, knows all of me. someone who knows that im feeling sad and will try their best to either cheer me up or just be sad with me.
i miss having a ‘best friend’, i miss my best friends. i dunno, i guess it would just be nice for someone to accept me, all of me, even my dark side and love me enough to stick around
